Wondering if your company has an ethics problem? Check out the video below and have a laugh–my treat.

Warning: This is not intended to be serious. If you’re disappointed, then I’m sorry. Who would like hearing about real ethics issues anyway?

(Subscribers may have to click through to view)

4 Signs You Have an Ethics Problem at Your Company

• Stealing office supplies isn’t an issue. Because they’re already gone. Now people are checking out the carpet and furniture.
• The anonymous ethics tipline was replaced with a $4 per minute psychic hotline.
• Annual ethics training is fifteen minutes long and includes things like “I won’t tell if you won’t” and “Hey, who’s to say what the ‘right thing to do’ really is?”
• Your CEO got a trophy from the company after his 9th acquittal.

Seriously, though. If you want to know what a company values in its employees, watch what it rewards them for. Enron had some snazzy values and ethics posted for all to see, but they were rewarding those who cut corners at every opportunity.

Have a great (and ethical) Friday!

Four Signs Your Organization Has an Ethics Problem (Video) is a post from: UpstartHR

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We really need to be careful. With all the laws Congress is passing these days, people have completely glossed over one of the most serious legislative uproars to ever cross the Senate floor. Starting next month, a person’s “pirate status” will become a protected class under EEOC regulations.

The Public Responds

There are all kinds of reactions to this change. Stephen Geraghty-Harrison, a staunch supporter of all things pirate, replied, “Arrrr, it’s about time.”

However, Chris Ferdinandi, more of a traditionalist when it comes to pirate culture, said, “We don’t need someone to give us a special day,” he reached over to polish his cutlass, “If we wanted one, we’d just take it.”

How to Recognize an HR Pirate

1. The parrot in his office keeps squawking, “You’re fired!”
2. Disciplinary procedures include keelhauling, walking the plank, and something called “chumming.”
3. She shows you the wooden leg she got after the accident at the teambuilding activity.
4. His eye patch makes those awkward employee relations conversations even weirder.
5. She raises the Jolly Roger (skull and crossbones) over your office every morning.
6. He reminisces about the good ‘ole days of looting and plundering the office storeroom.

Okay, so maybe I made everything up to have a little laugh? Hey, you’re in HR. Trust me, you need it. Pass this on to someone who may enjoy it! And if you want a little more humor, maybe hiring zombies would work?

Six Signs You have an HR Pirate is a post from: UpstartHR

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That’s a snazzy title if I do say so myself! Where did it come from? Well, I was reminiscing about crazy work stories with my coworker, and I then remembered that I’d never really told the story of how I set an ATM on fire while on the job. So… Here we go!

In the summer after I graduated high school, I wanted to get a job other than working for my parents as I had for several years. So I talked with a friend who was a branch manager at a local bank and she recommended me for the summer hire program. So for the first time in my life, I went to interview for a job.

Needless to say, I got the job. And strangely like my current profession, I was one of the only men to do the job of a bank teller. Anyway, I had been working at different banks in the area, rotating to a new one every other week. Finally I ended up at a location that I really liked. The other tellers were friendly and really enjoyed having me around.

A new opportunity

Every day around two o’clock, two tellers had to go out and restock the ATM. I was always running the drive thru, so I didn’t get to go out and see how the ATM worked. I was interested in learning, so I got one of them to let me swap and go out to observe.

The next day, I went out with the other teller. Don’t forget, I was just out of high school, so I was pumped about learning about how something cool like the ATM worked. As she opened the door inside the ATM and started counting the money, I couldn’t really see what she was doing. I walked around her to see the other side, but the door was in my way. So I pulled it open.

Big Oopsie

Apparently the door to the ATM was on some kind of half-hinge that disconnects when opened all the way. When I pulled it past a certain point, the solid steel door slipped off its hinges and fell to the floor, ripping out the cables that attached it to the ATM.

Smoke immediately started boiling out of the ATM and an incredibly loud alarm began blaring. Being lowly tellers, we had absolutely no idea how to fix the problem I had caused, so we both went back into the bank and called Diebold to come and fix their darn ATM.

I was the lucky sucker who got to go out and put the “Out of Order” sign on the ATM when the technician told us it would take a week to fix.

Anyone else have a horribly embarrassing or completely hilarious story to tell about one of their early jobs? I know I can’t be the only one!

How to set an ATM on fire is a post from: UpstartHR

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If you didn’t catch the original post on hiring zombies, then you might want to check it out. It will help this post to make more sense! Several of the comments on that post had some great responses, and I’ve incorporated them into this sequel. Okay, less talk, more fun. Here we go!

1. Zombies simplify the succession planning process. When an executive dies, just bring them back to life. via April
2. Zombies don’t need lunch or smoke breaks. via Trish
3. If performance is an issue, just shoot the offender and bring in a new one.
4. They are very inexpensive labor and not covered by the FLSA. via Tammy
5. You’ll never have to have the “your thong is showing” conversation. via Trish
6. While body odor would be a problem, the other zombies wouldn’t really care to complain. via Nevinesq
7. If you have to fire a zombie, you can be sure it won’t cry. via Trish

Do you have a reason to hire a zombie? I’d love to hear it! Leave a comment below and maybe we can carry this into a trilogy. I actually started writing a funny post series a looong time ago called “Bob the Office Zombie.” He screwed everything up that he touched, and he was the only zombie in an otherwise normal office. I’m thinking that I need to pull that out of the closet and dust it off. What do you think?

Photo by u2canreed.

7 more reasons to hire zombies is a post from: UpstartHR

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I am always interested in finding out how people learn about me. But sometimes the information or avenue can be a bit… Um, weird? Yeah, that’s about the only way I can put it. Check out these 25 ways people found me via Google. If you’re one of them, I hope you found what you came for. And it looks like a lot of people ended up here looking for zombie info. Maybe you found that, too.

1. Can You Train a Zombie? I haven’t, but it doesn’t mean you can’t try. Just keep an eye on your brains.
2. why i didn’t pass the sphr exam Probably because you didn’t have an awesome study resource to help.
3. passing the gphr I got some search traffic on this one, but I sure as heck don’t know how to pass the GPHR. Anyone out there in the audience GPHR certified?
4. HR formulas I feel bad for the people who used that one. It takes you to a post with absolutely nothing useful in it. One of my earlier, funnier posts. I keep meaning to go back and fix that, but it slips my mind…
5. can sphr be passed without experience No, because you have to have experience to take the SPHR. It’s not the same with the PHR, but it will be in 2011.
6. creativity for hr professionals Creativity is what I have more than enough of. I can’t get that darn brain to shut off. Now if I only had the time to make it useful, things would be wildly different.
7. recruiting rock Hmmm… Is that a song? A recruiter for rocks? I can’t figure out that one!
8. 10 reasons why you’re a zombie All of them probably start with “because you were bitten, you idiot.”
9. computer is dying before upstart is ready Ummm. What?
10. dude you’re a zombie There’s really no way to break the news to them easy, you know?
11. culture comment funny Yeah! I have culture. I comment. I’m funny. What else do you need?
12. do you think hr should encourage education assistant Probably was supposed to be “education assistance.” I’m not sure. Encouraging education assistance means more out-of-pocket for the company, but it also makes for a more educated workforce. Anyone else want to chime in?
13. free education on hr You’re reading it right here, baby.
14. free phr novel read I’ve written an eBook, but it’s no novel. If someone has written a PHR novel, they should be shot.
15. funny hr videos I’ve seen a few here and there. This is one funny HR video that sticks out.
16. have finally been Why would you search this? And why would you find me? Weird.
17. how much pay will be for hr assistant say appropriate The pay will suck. You’ll do hard work. Get used to it.
18. how much do hr assistants make See #17.
19. how long should you study for phr exam A lot. The more the better. The free PHR guide has more info.
20. how long should i study for phr exam Probably the same as the guy who asked #19.
21. how to get entry level hr people Buy some. Or rent some. We’re cheap.
22. how to get entry level hr experience You find a job like I mentioned in #17 and you keep it up until you can do something more useful. Or you can be smarter and find somewhere to volunteer or intern. Just a little bit of experience makes a huge difference that early in the game.
23. HOW TO GET INTO HR You can study in school and progress to an HR job (like I did) or you can work in some other field and “fall into” HR, or you can get kidnapped and forced into an HR position against your will and they suck your brains out before you even know what happened. Good luck!
24. how do I know if I’m affected by a zombie Ask yourself if they are sucking on your brains. If the answer is “yes,” then you’re affected. If the answer is no, check your zombie handbook.
25. hr career i am entry level I am, too. What’s it to ya?

Hope you enjoyed the post. This was definitely a fun one. Look for the second half pretty soon. Make sure you’re getting free updates if you don’t want to miss it!

25 Ways People Found Me is a post from: UpstartHR

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Can you say "instant relief?" I can.

VHRG and Leadership

I don’t know if you’re a regular reader or not, but Venting HR Guy is a funny human resources blog that showcases some of the daily events we all face. The difference is that VHRG can be a little more forthcoming in detailing his workday, because his identity is a secret. It makes for an interesting blog, that’s for sure.

Anyway, VHRG often has issues that he tries to deal with at work. However, the response from his boss, known by the clever name “The Boss,” is often to side with the employee for some reason. Have an employee getting payroll advances several times a month for more than a year? Instead of cutting the guy off, VHRG will probably be forced by The Boss to give into the demands of the financially moronic employee. And that’s just one example.

While you might not have that specific problem, I’m pretty sure that plenty of you have seen this in your own workplace (and if not, count yourself lucky!). You want to handle a situation that is within your realm of influence, but someone upstream gets word of the issue and wants to handle it a different way. How in the world can HR be taken seriously if they’re constantly hamstrung and second-guessed by senior leadership?

They can’t.

That’s why I think VHRG needs some leadership. He needs a change. He is already looking for a new job, and I know that many of us would love to help, but with the whole “cloak of anonymity” he has going on, it’s a bit tough to do. If you have suggestions for how he can deal with his spineless leaders, please drop them in the comments below. I’m going to collect and pass them along to him.

In contrast to VHRG’s leadership problems, I spoke to a friend recently who was looking for a new job. She was ready to move on from her current position, and she had her eye on several positions. Then a new leader was brought into the organization, and it’s been amazing to see the change. She’s more positive, excited about her work, and the “leaving” part has completely been pushed out of her mind. It’s amazing to see what positive leadership does, but it’s also sad to see what happens when that leadership is absent, which is what’s going on in VHRG’s situation.

I’m not picking on my pal here; I just know that there are lots of other HR professionals who have the same issue, and they know that their “leaders” won’t back them up when a tough issue comes along. And if you have any tips on how he can move into another job, please post them in the comments, too. Every little bit helps, and the HR community is well-known for its helpfulness!

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It’s October. That means Halloween is just around the corner. And I’ve got a Halloween business strategy that employers will be dying to get their hands on. Okay, I’ll let you in on my secret. Zombies. What if your HR reps could reanimate dead flesh and bring those zombies into the workplace? The potential benefits more than outweigh the occasional brain-eating frenzy. Here are 10 reasons to hire zombies in your workplace…

1. Use them to cull the bad employees from the herd. That should discourage the ‘ole quit-and-stay mentality.
2. While they’re not great at complex tasks, you can use them as motivators for the people who do those types of work. Bob in accounting wouldn’t screw up the numbers with a zombie hanging over his shoulder!
3. Since they don’t get diseases or sickness, you won’t have to waste any more time with FMLA.
4. The benefits package would be cheap. They don’t even need vacation pay!
5. Zombies don’t get tired, and they never waste time on Twitter (although Zombiebook is growing in popularity from what I hear).
6. Everyone loves zombies. They’re so cuddly. There have been dozens of movies dedicated to their antics.
7. There is a drastically simplified recruiting/hiring process associated with zombies, and it’s actually just a single question. Are you a zombie? [grunt] Great! You’re hired.
8. In case #7 worries you, don’t freak out too much. Zombies aren’t a protected EEOC class. I checked.
9. You can train them to recognize and attack union organizers, IRS agents, or OSHA inspectors.
10. With all of the recent employee engagement talk, you really don’t have to worry. Zombies stay 100% engaged until a shotgun blast pulverizes their skull.

But, as always, I’m not covering something. What are we missing? Is there another great reason to hire zombies that I’m not covering? Drop it in the comments below! And if you enjoyed this list, then you might want to check out the Batman list as well!

Update: I posted a sequel list (more reasons to hire zombies). Check it out!

10 reasons to hire zombies is a post from: UpstartHR

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