How do you communicate with team members with a chip on their shoulder? What do you do or say when they are stubborn, constantly interrupting, unapproachable, or unwilling to accept feedback? Well, for starters, you are not alone. Every workplace I’ve ever been has at least one of these people working there. Let’s look at a few ways to deal with the madness.

While there are multiple dynamics for this question (dealing with subordinates, peers, and managers), I’m going to stick solely with dealing with team members. 

A personal story

I had an, um, interesting experience at a previous employer with a coworker, and it was the closest I’ve ever come to quitting a job. Here’s my story:

The computers and network at this company were terrible. The internet connection, which I needed to complete my work, was unstable and usually worked about 25% of the time between the hours of 8:00am and 5:00pm. In order to get my work accomplished, I started showing up at work at 7:00am to get some stuff done before the network slowed to a crawl. Well, one morning I received an email about some training that I had been considering, so I opened up the links to the training website, leaving it running in the background so I could read it over my lunch hour.

During lunch, I was sitting there with my door closed when my coworker walked in and announced that she needed to use my computer because hers wasn’t working. I put my lunch down and asked if the internet connection was her issue, because mine wasn’t working either. She walked around behind my desk and pointed accusingly at me because the website was pulled up. Despite my attempt to explain that it was done hours earlier, she walked out and slammed the door.

I put it behind me. The woman had that reputation for being abrasive, and I didn’t need any further stress thanks to our shoddy technical resources.

The next day in our department meeting, our manager asked if anyone had anything to discuss. My coworker looked at her and said, “I think Ben’s not a team player. He was using his computer during lunch yesterday and wouldn’t let me get my work done.”

Of course I did my best, but I couldn’t keep from laughing. I explained the issue and how I had loaded the pages five hours before she came into my office demanding my computer, but I could tell it was a lost cause. The coworker had been working there for several years, and I knew my manager would believe her over me. I refused to give in, but when we left the meeting I felt humiliated by the accusations and betrayed by my manager. One thing was for sure, I was going to start looking for another job right away.

I wanted to tell my personal story as a warning. Everyone in the situation, the manager, coworker, and even me, could have handled the issue better. We all deserve some of the blame for it getting out of hand. Since that time I’ve done everything I can to be more aware of these situations and I try to follow the ideas I’ve listed below. It’s my own personal formula for communicating with difficult team members, so use at your own risk.

How to deal with the issue

First, I would give them a chance to open up. Sit down and talk with them for a few minutes. The easiest advice to follow is that of the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Here are a few high points (more listed here):

• Don’t criticize, condemn or complain-Starting with any of those three statements will instantly close the person off to further discussion and could hamper future communication efforts.
• Give honest and sincere appreciation-Tell them something they did well, and make it sincere. People can tell when you’re setting them up with false appreciation, so make it truthful and heartfelt.
•  Smile-It might be hard, but it can make or break your discussion.
• Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language-This is a sales technique, and it works. People enjoy hearing their own name and you can use it to keep them focused on the conversation and what you have to say.
•  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests-This is one I’ve used to great success. Instead of asking them to make your work easier, show them how making a change will actually help them in the long run. Make it about them, not you.
• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it-If an argument begins, drop it. There will be another time and place to continue the discussion, but arguments have a way of getting us to say things that we can’t recover from.
• Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” Even if they have the dumbest idea and are completely incorrect, you need to be tactful in the handling of the issue. If not, they will (again) close off and become defensive instead of focusing on the problem and how it can be solved.
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically-This can help teach others that it not only is okay to admit mistakes, it is preferred to the long, drawn-out battle of the wills over who is right and wrong.

So, once you’ve had the talk with the person and followed (as closely as you can) the suggestions above, you should hopefully be in a much better place to communicate with them in the future. Use these principles as a guide for future conversations and interactions and it’s hard to go wrong.

However, sometimes that just isn’t enough. There’s a continual clash between the two parties or even an irreconcilable difference that can’t be overlooked. What else can you do?

• You can go to your manager for help. They might be able to offer insight or alternatives that aren’t immediately obvious to you.
• You can do your best to continue your work without interacting with the person. This is less attractive because it can impact how decisions are made, and it’s not a 100% permanent solution.

And that’s about it, really. I’m a fan of handling the issue between you and the other team member if at all possible. However, sometimes there just isn’t a way to get the other person on board. That leaves you with the two options above as the end-of-the-line alternatives for resolution.

Thanks to Kathy Duffy for sending in this great question! Anyone else have an idea they’d like to share for communicating with difficult team members?

Recently I attended a NASHRM workshop session on how to ask effective HR investigation questions. One of the points the speaker hammered home was the importance of asking open-ended questions to get the most information out of the people you have to interview. She referenced this Saturday Night Live skit as a good reminder how not to ask questions during an investigation.

I’ve seen people who are excellent at asking questions to steer the conversation where they want it to go. I’ve seen others tank and blow up an investigation with poorly constructed questions. It really is a skill you should cultivate as an HR pro!

Sample investigation questions

• What happened?
• What did you do about it?
• How did she react?
• Why didn’t you report this information before now?

Trying to find out who is telling the truth? Check out this free guide detailing signs that a person is lying.

I am constantly amazed at the ability of people to write great content day in and day out. It might not always be the same person or the same blog where I find a gem, but it’s amazing that this stuff is out there free for us to enjoy. Okay, enough wonderment. Let’s dig into some great reading!

5 minutes, use it for more than just another task

The best way to use the last five minutes of every day? It’s a little reflection to make sure you are on the right track. Seriously, skip the last few minutes of “if I can just get one more thing accomplished” and slow down. Look at what you spent your day on and see if it was what you had planned. If it was, did you get as much done as you expected? If not, what threw you off track? Are you now behind on other projects? It’s all about taking some time to look at the big picture instead of being trapped in the day-to-day.

Busy=Happy?

Sometimes my manager stops and tells me she worries that I have too much on my plate. Well, the other day I was able to toss back the piece of research about busy employees being happier. It’s interesting that people with too little to do were the most unhappy. We sometimes think that people enjoy being lazy at work, but apparently there’s a balance in there somewhere between being slammed and having some time for other things (like the reflection activity mentioned above).

New managers? Check it

With a new set of managers growing into their responsibilities at work, I’m always looking for ideas on how to help them grow in their supervisory skills. This is a big picture overview of some of the common new manager pitfalls, and it’s well written.

Hire my friend?

I know a great HR pro who is in the Chicago area and is looking to get back to work. She has been blogging for a while and has some great insights into leading others. If you are looking for a talented professional with great experience, Sabrina might be the person for you. Find her on LinkedIn if you want to learn more about her skills.

Game changers

The last piece is a great one that I found on Fast Company. It’s all about questions game changers must ask. I have no idea if I can be considered someone of “game changer” status, but I love asking questions and challenging the status quo. The big ones for me:

• Do you have new ideas about where to look for new ideas?
• Have you figured out how your organization’s history can help to shape its future?
• Do your people care more than the competition?
• Are you learning as fast as the world is changing?

Check it out to see more and decide which ones you need to ask in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Anything special you’ve read recently? Share it in the comments.

Favoritism. Bias. Preferential treatment. Nepotism. How do you stop it from becoming an issue in the workplace? Today we have a special post with someone needing assistance. Let’s pitch in and help.

Sometime last year I posted a rant from someone who was being stepped on at work. That person received help anonymously through the comments and today I have another post from another frustrated, anonymous HR pro. Let’s hear what they have to say and then give some tips and pointers in the comments.

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So here’s my deal. I’m an HR rep at a well-respected organization. We’ve been quite successful and I would say we are in the top 5 or 10% in the state for our industry. Continue Reading »

Swoop and poop. We’ve all seen it before. The manager is perpetually disengaged. They are doing their own thing and staying out of the way. Then, without warning, they jump into a situation and use their power to force a decision. Or maybe they drop a lot of criticism on team members and second guess their every action. And, just as quickly as they arrived, they take off again without a moment’s notice, leaving the rest of us to deal with the aftermath.

Sound familiar?

It’s one of the common types of bad management that makes us all cringe. So why is it still around? The instances where I’ve seen it are where teams are scared to stand up to someone or when the person’s in a senior position that is above reproach. Let’s kill this thing once and for all, please?

Ever been in your own personal swoop and poop situation? Let’s hear some details on how things went and how they worked out (or didn’t!) in the end.

Two great comments stood out to me when I attended the session on running a small HR department recently, but they prompted a related question I need a little help with.

Don’t create a policy just for the sake of having one.

Fantastic. We have too many policies as it is. Totally agree.

Don’t create policies to deal with outliers.

Another good one. Use coaching and one-on-one feedback to handle issues with onesies and twosies; don’t punish the bunch because of one bad apple.

So… When do you?

The question I have is when do you create a policy? When does it go beyond personal one-on-one coaching and become “official?” One of my friends has a saying, “Don’t make me create a policy for that.” While it’s said in jest, there has to be a time where a policy is necessary (right?).

So… When?

Let’s hear some thoughts and suggestions!

Managing employees is tough, but there are some fundamental principles that weave through the manager/employee relationship we can all benefit from remembering. Check out the short video below (transcript below that if you prefer reading) to learn more.

(Email subscribers may have to click through to view the video.)

Proper care and feeding of employees

• People come to work for the money, and leave because of their manager (the research backs that often tossed-around phrase) .
• All of the data comes from research done by the Corporate Leadership Council. They’ve found that providing fair/accurate informal feedback has a 39% impact on performance. (The problem? We don’t know how to give feedback for the most part!)
• Never really thought of it this way, but the manager acts as a conduit whose primary role is to connect employee with company. They can directly shape the employee’s perception of the organization, their team, and their job. (I’ve really noticed this a lot when I didn’t get the right tools and attention from my manager.)

Anything else you’d like to share that goes along with managing better?