Breaking news

Anywhere, USA – This morning we got word that someone in HR created a policy. We’re not sure what the policy was as of the time of this report; however, we were assured by our sources that it was “highly necessary” for the business to continue functioning.

Our resident HR expert, Stu Pidhead, had this to say, “I have been a long-time believer in policies. Without them our employees would run rampant, exercise their own judgment, and be able to do pretty much whatever they want. How can we expect to run a business when employees have autonomy for how the work gets done or choices when it comes to rewards and recognition? No, no, and no. We have to restrict those things for the good of our employees and the world. They just don’t know better, and we have to educate them.”

For those just learning of this story, there is a longstanding tradition of policy creation within the HR profession, and many HR professionals see this function of their job as the most important. According to an anonymous source, “We like to make the rules, because it gives us more power. We got bullied in elementary school, but now it’s our turn to take charge.”

HR has long been known by many terms of endearment, including “the policy police,” “those jerks that make all the rules,” and “fun suckers.” This tradition of creating policies dates back to the creation of the human resources, or “personnel,” function in the 20th century.

Another source who asked not to be identified made this comment: “Rumors of organizations reducing policies and eliminating rules are just that–rumors. My philosophy is ‘the more policies, the better we’ll be.’ From social media policies and rules about how long people can stand at the water cooler, we want to control every aspect of these peoples’ lives while they are at the work site. Hey, that gives me an idea for another policy…”

Updates to this story will be shared as we discover them…