Tag Archives: Humor

8 Reasons to Marry an HR Professional (From the Archives)

Last year my wife and I celebrated our tenth anniversary. Four kids, three houses, two sets of in-laws, and hundreds of silly arguments about toothpaste, dirty clothes, or what to eat for dinner later. And we’re still going strong.

 

Several years ago I wrote a piece on funny reasons to marry an HR pro. After having to pull out my HR skills to handle yet another conversation this week with my wife’s former employer about retirement benefits, this has been top of mind for me. So, what are the best benefits of marrying someone working in HR?

Reasons to Marry Someone Working in HR

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The Secret to Alienating Your Employees Over Time

I recently learned a great strategy that I can’t wait to share with you.

Employee: Hey Bob. I know you are busy. I just have a few quick questions. A few of us came up with this really great idea for the party.

HR: No.

Employee: Um, well, okay. So, Jim needs me to help him with this thing…

HR: No.

Employee: All right, then, just one more question…

HR: No.

Employee: Come on, you didn’t even give me a chance!

HR: (Smiles gleefully)

———

Let me tell you the secret to human resources: always say no. Whatever people want, just flat out turn them down. The great thing is that pretty soon, you can train them to stop asking for anything and settle for whatever you want to leave them with. They’ll stop bothering you and just get to work.

Clever, huh? Now you, too, can implement this kind of approach to human resources and make your stand for what you believe in.

News flash: if this sounds even remotely appealing to you, you suck and need to get out of HR.

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with an HR leader that was trying to help an employee with a major insurance crisis to cover his critically ill child. The response from one of her peers in HR? “It’s not our job to take care of them.” Ugh. Yes, we’re business leaders, but we’re also people too, darn it. Take care of your people and they’ll take care of you. Disregard, dismiss, or demean them and you will lose the best chance you have at being competitive in the marketplace.

Why is that so hard for some people to grasp?

New Research on Generations in the Workplace

After looking deeply at the research on generations in the workplace, I have come up with some findings that will help everyone to perform their jobs better. It seems like a new study comes out every day attempting to explain how to approach each generation of workers, what matters to them, etc. This blog is a synopsis of everything I’ve read on the topic. Note: Please read this entire post for context. Thanks!

Generations-at-Work

Boomers

This group of workers has been in the workforce the longest and often holds senior level roles. There is a significant amount of institutional and tribal knowledge locked away in the minds of these workers. It’s up to companies to help find a way to get that knowledge out to the rest of the workforce while they are still around.

Actually, who cares what they said? They’re all going to retire soon anyway. Let’s just wait them out and we won’t have to listen to them anymore.

Gen X

Simultaneously voted most likely to be annoyed at Millennials because they have it so easy and equally annoyed at Boomers because they are still holding the senior leadership slots in a death grip. Gen X is really just full of people that look for ways to use generational research as a lever to get what they want.

Need to mollify them when pursuing a change initiative? Just turn on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or another inane 80’s movie and they will subconsciously zone out.

Millennials

Voted most likely to text during a performance review, chew with their mouths open, kick your puppy, or whatever else we can say about them to make them seem like the most uncivilized humans on the planet.

In fact, why are we even allowing these monsters to stay in the workplace at all? Let’s fire them all and look for a way to survive until a better generation comes along.

Gen Z/Whatever

Let’s just give up before they even get here. Life as we know it in the business world is going to cease to exist. Good luck.

 

Note, this is completely and totally fake. I’m trying to bring some attention to the ridiculous things that people say about generations in the workplace and how divisive they can be. If you agree, share this with a coworker or friend in the industry. Bonus points if you get a photo of their reaction!

My real take on this topic? We can find ways to work with anyone, and their “generation” has less to do with it than their career or life stage. Instead of looking for things that divide us, let’s spend more time looking for common ground!

Newsflash: Micromanagement Really Works

breaking news micromanagement worksBreaking News: Micromanagement has the last word, now recognized as valuable business practice

“This is the best news since man landed on the moon” said one supervisor for a nationwide clothing retailer.

Just last week news broke that will change the face of the workplace forever. Micromanagement isn’t just a fad anymore, it really works.

Our subject matter expert, Ima Dum’he said, “I know, I know. This seems like one of those things that is too good to be true. But it’s not. I’ve always been a closet micromanager and now I can finally step out into the light proudly. This is a banner day for micromanagers everywhere.”

According to an informal poll conducted prior to publication, we have determined that employees are very excited about this revelation. In the words of one respondent, “Our employees are loving it. We have always hired people that needed some extra ‘direction’ at work, and now we have the proof to back up our actions. The fewer decisions we can leave for them, the better. I mean, we hire people but we really can’t trust them to make decisions on their own. We are actively developing what I like to call a “second check” system where all decisions are flowed up the management chain before we take action in any department.”

Some organizations are wasting no time in pursuing this latest best practice in the business world. Our HR correspondent, Stu Pidhead, told us that for companies to get the most out of micromanagement they need to have executives involved in every decision, no matter how small. He expanded, “Obviously the executives know better than everyone else, how else did they get into those positions? What your employees have to say is irrelevant. Just tell them what you want, all the time, at every juncture, and at every opportunity. They will be very happy to avoid any decisions and be told exactly what to do.”

Another key tip is to develop a policy supporting managers internally in their micromanagement efforts. This ensures across-the-board application and that none of those supervisors trying one of those silly, unproven “leadership” strategies can avoid using this necessary business practice.

We’ll follow this story closely as it continues to develop…

7 Reasons to Marry an #HR Pro

As I looked at my wonderful wife this week and think about our upcoming anniversary (8 years in June), I wondered about the spouses of other HR professionals around the world.

Me and the love of my life--Diet Dew. Oh, and Melanie is there, too. Heh.

Me and the love of my life–Diet Dew. Oh, and Melanie is there, too.

Do all of them realize how lucky they are to have married someone working in human resources? :-) With that in mind, here are seven reasons to marry an HR pro. I’d love for you to add your own to the list!

Reasons to Marry Someone Working in HR

  1. You’ll never have to worry about your work benefits again. We know what questions to ask and how everything works. Just turn over the paperwork and we’ll let you know where to sign.
  2. You’re going to get the insider tutorial on compensation. I almost feel sorry for your manager at your next salary negotiation…
  3. We’re all about wellness, so you know you’re going to get some sweet gym membership in the package.
  4. We bring home the big bucks… Okay, we bring home some bucks (hey, it’s about doing what you love, right?) :-)
  5. You will learn 36 ways to get around that crappy policy your company just implemented. Policy workarounds are our thing.
  6. We’ll tell you the secret to surviving with annoying coworkers. (Hint: there’s at least one at every company)
  7. Want to cheer up? We have the funniest, weirdest, and best stories you’ll ever hear about the workplace. Did I ever tell you the time I almost was hit by a voodoo curse in the office…

So, let’s keep it going! What other great benefits come from marrying one the proud HR professionals of the world?

Top 10 Conversations with Employees (Seriously)

crazy employeesFun, happy, and crazy employees make this job awesome

I absolutely love this profession, but we have some interesting challenges in front of us. On one hand, HR really wants to be strategic. On the other, we deal with unbelievable people issues. The variety really keeps us on our toes! The notes below are based on comments I have had with employees and managers over the years, and I’m willing to bet you have had some of these, too. Feel free to add your own to the list below!

  1. I know you don’t like that brand of clothing that one of your employees wears, but we can’t create a policy banning it. Might I suggest something radical? How about taking with the individual directly?
  2. Yes, we have limits on what we can offer to candidates. That’s why we call it a compensation range, not just a compensation suggestion.
  3. No, you can’t fire her for poor performance solely because she’s not working as much as your other staff. She’s taking intermittent FMLA leave, remember?
  4. No, I can’t find someone with all of those qualifications you listed. The job requisition asks for a combined total of 72 years of experience.
  5. Sorry, tuition reimbursement doesn’t cover your travel to a quilting conference. No, I won’t request a waiver of the rules just for your “special” case.
  6. Certainly! We’d love to consider you for a promotion just as soon as you can start coming to work on time and sober for more than a two day stretch. No, I don’t think that’s asking too much.
  7. What do you mean you didn’t know about the seven emails I sent, the poster in the break room, the flyer I put on your desk, the letter I mailed to your home, or the all hands conference call where I explained the open enrollment deadline?
  8. I know you think you’re right, but cc’ing every management level up to the CEO on notes in your email battle with another individual is a bit much. Yes, it makes you look a bit crazy.
  9. I appreciate the retirement plan fund suggestions, but your brother’s company stock isn’t available through our company plan. Yes, I already checked.
  10. I know you think your employees are engaged, but your manager survey scores indicate otherwise. Why haven’t they said anything? Probably because of this “blows up angrily at any comment or question” item that I keep seeing on all of your survey results.

Bonus (vendor style): Yes, I’m well aware of the mistake, Mr. Insurance Provider. We provided the complete and accurate documentation in time and via your requested method. Apparently the mistake was choosing you as a provider since despite all that you managed to lose my employee’s application for coverage and are now denying them coverage.

So, which ones have you said lately to your employees? What would you add to the list? 

I Sent You a Meaningless Email–Um, I Mean eCard

I sent you an eCard.

Screenshot 2014-12-18 13.21.20No, really. I care so much that I took the two minutes to fill out an online form and email (spam) dozens of people all at the same time with a message that is so vague and so general that I could have sent it to people that I don’t even know with virtually the same results.

Now wait for the music and art to load. Want a hint? There will be an inoffensive instrumental track, saying, and picture with my name stuck on the bottom. Yes, I know I’m the most thoughtful person ever.

Now read the one-line template message that I thought was so meaningful that I took you away from your work, family, or other obligations just to get you to look at this eCard.

Enjoy.

Editor’s note: This is obviously a joke, but please keep this in mind when you are communicating with employees. The same rules apply. If you’re taking them away from work, make it worthwhile. I have received dozens of these “eCards” in the past few weeks, and not one of them was as meaningful as a single handwritten note or personal message. If you are sending a message, try to be as targeted as you can. Enjoy your day!