Breaking News: Micromanagement has the last word, now recognized as valuable business practice
“This is the best news since man landed on the moon” said one supervisor for a nationwide clothing retailer.
Just last week news broke that will change the face of the workplace forever. Micromanagement isn’t just a fad anymore, it really works.
Our subject matter expert, Ima Dum’he said, “I know, I know. This seems like one of those things that is too good to be true. But it’s not. I’ve always been a closet micromanager and now I can finally step out into the light proudly. This is a banner day for micromanagers everywhere.”
According to an informal poll conducted prior to publication, we have determined that employees are very excited about this revelation. In the words of one respondent, “Our employees are loving it. We have always hired people that needed some extra ‘direction’ at work, and now we have the proof to back up our actions. The fewer decisions we can leave for them, the better. I mean, we hire people but we really can’t trust them to make decisions on their own. We are actively developing what I like to call a “second check” system where all decisions are flowed up the management chain before we take action in any department.”
Some organizations are wasting no time in pursuing this latest best practice in the business world. Our HR correspondent, Stu Pidhead, told us that for companies to get the most out of micromanagement they need to have executives involved in every decision, no matter how small. He expanded, “Obviously the executives know better than everyone else, how else did they get into those positions? What your employees have to say is irrelevant. Just tell them what you want, all the time, at every juncture, and at every opportunity. They will be very happy to avoid any decisions and be told exactly what to do.”
Another key tip is to develop a policy supporting managers internally in their micromanagement efforts. This ensures across-the-board application and that none of those supervisors trying one of those silly, unproven “leadership” strategies can avoid using this necessary business practice.
We’ll follow this story closely as it continues to develop…
As I looked at my wonderful wife this week and think about our upcoming anniversary (8 years in June), I wondered about the spouses of other HR professionals around the world.
Me and the love of my life–Diet Dew. Oh, and Melanie is there, too.
Do all of them realize how lucky they are to have married someone working in human resources? :-) With that in mind, here are seven reasons to marry an HR pro. I’d love for you to add your own to the list!
Reasons to Marry Someone Working in HR
- You’ll never have to worry about your work benefits again. We know what questions to ask and how everything works. Just turn over the paperwork and we’ll let you know where to sign.
- You’re going to get the insider tutorial on compensation. I almost feel sorry for your manager at your next salary negotiation…
- We’re all about wellness, so you know you’re going to get some sweet gym membership in the package.
- We bring home the big bucks… Okay, we bring home some bucks (hey, it’s about doing what you love, right?) :-)
- You will learn 36 ways to get around that crappy policy your company just implemented. Policy workarounds are our thing.
- We’ll tell you the secret to surviving with annoying coworkers. (Hint: there’s at least one at every company)
- Want to cheer up? We have the funniest, weirdest, and best stories you’ll ever hear about the workplace. Did I ever tell you the time I almost was hit by a voodoo curse in the office…
So, let’s keep it going! What other great benefits come from marrying one the proud HR professionals of the world?
Fun, happy, and crazy employees make this job awesome
I absolutely love this profession, but we have some interesting challenges in front of us. On one hand, HR really wants to be strategic. On the other, we deal with unbelievable people issues. The variety really keeps us on our toes! The notes below are based on comments I have had with employees and managers over the years, and I’m willing to bet you have had some of these, too. Feel free to add your own to the list below!
- I know you don’t like that brand of clothing that one of your employees wears, but we can’t create a policy banning it. Might I suggest something radical? How about taking with the individual directly?
- Yes, we have limits on what we can offer to candidates. That’s why we call it a compensation range, not just a compensation suggestion.
- No, you can’t fire her for poor performance solely because she’s not working as much as your other staff. She’s taking intermittent FMLA leave, remember?
- No, I can’t find someone with all of those qualifications you listed. The job requisition asks for a combined total of 72 years of experience.
- Sorry, tuition reimbursement doesn’t cover your travel to a quilting conference. No, I won’t request a waiver of the rules just for your “special” case.
- Certainly! We’d love to consider you for a promotion just as soon as you can start coming to work on time and sober for more than a two day stretch. No, I don’t think that’s asking too much.
- What do you mean you didn’t know about the seven emails I sent, the poster in the break room, the flyer I put on your desk, the letter I mailed to your home, or the all hands conference call where I explained the open enrollment deadline?
- I know you think you’re right, but cc’ing every management level up to the CEO on notes in your email battle with another individual is a bit much. Yes, it makes you look a bit crazy.
- I appreciate the retirement plan fund suggestions, but your brother’s company stock isn’t available through our company plan. Yes, I already checked.
- I know you think your employees are engaged, but your manager survey scores indicate otherwise. Why haven’t they said anything? Probably because of this “blows up angrily at any comment or question” item that I keep seeing on all of your survey results.
Bonus (vendor style): Yes, I’m well aware of the mistake, Mr. Insurance Provider. We provided the complete and accurate documentation in time and via your requested method. Apparently the mistake was choosing you as a provider since despite all that you managed to lose my employee’s application for coverage and are now denying them coverage.
So, which ones have you said lately to your employees? What would you add to the list?
I sent you an eCard.
No, really. I care so much that I took the two minutes to fill out an online form and email (spam) dozens of people all at the same time with a message that is so vague and so general that I could have sent it to people that I don’t even know with virtually the same results.
Now wait for the music and art to load. Want a hint? There will be an inoffensive instrumental track, saying, and picture with my name stuck on the bottom. Yes, I know I’m the most thoughtful person ever.
Now read the one-line template message that I thought was so meaningful that I took you away from your work, family, or other obligations just to get you to look at this eCard.
Editor’s note: This is obviously a joke, but please keep this in mind when you are communicating with employees. The same rules apply. If you’re taking them away from work, make it worthwhile. I have received dozens of these “eCards” in the past few weeks, and not one of them was as meaningful as a single handwritten note or personal message. If you are sending a message, try to be as targeted as you can. Enjoy your day!
Anywhere, USA – This morning we got word that someone in HR created a policy. We’re not sure what the policy was as of the time of this report; however, we were assured by our sources that it was “highly necessary” for the business to continue functioning.
Our resident HR expert, Stu Pidhead, had this to say, “I have been a long-time believer in policies. Without them our employees would run rampant, exercise their own judgment, and be able to do pretty much whatever they want. How can we expect to run a business when employees have autonomy for how the work gets done or choices when it comes to rewards and recognition? No, no, and no. We have to restrict those things for the good of our employees and the world. They just don’t know better, and we have to educate them.” Continue reading
I don’t know about you, but I have seen, read, and heard more about holiday parties this year than ever before. Honestly it’s more exhausting reading this stuff than actually planning, hosting, and cleaning up after one of the things.
- Should we have one?
- Should we not?
- What should we call it?
- Who should we invite?
- Should it be mandatory?
- Should we serve alcohol?
- And every other variation of this question has been published, posted, tweeted, and shared. Seriously? We need that much discussion on this?
The solution you’ve been waiting for
With over 800 posts in the archives, I know some of you have missed some good stuff over the years. I’m going to test out publishing some of these regularly to breathe some new life into the content and give you guys a chance to check them out. Enjoy!
We’ve all seen them. They drag their crusty, misshapen forms around, spreading despair and agony in their wake. No, I’m not talking about trolls, I’m talking about HR people! We’ve all worked with them before, but some might look at you and think that you fit the bill. Here are a handful of signs you might be turning into one of them!
- You secretly cheer when it’s time to put an employee on a performance improvement plan
- You have immense pride in the fact that your department has resisted that newfangled “Human Resources” title and still proclaims itself “Personnel”
- You love creating new policies
- When an interviewee asks you why you like working there, you give them a blank stare
- In order to save money on healthcare benefits you tell your employees to Google their symptoms Continue reading