10 reasons to hire zombies

It’s October. That means Halloween is just around the corner. And I’ve got a Halloween business strategy that employers will be dying to get their hands on. Okay, I’ll let you in on my secret. Zombies. What if your HR reps could reanimate dead flesh and bring those zombies into the workplace? The potential benefits more than outweigh the occasional brain-eating frenzy. Here are 10 reasons to hire zombies in your workplace…

  1. Use them to cull the bad employees from the herd. That should discourage the ‘ole quit-and-stay mentality.
  2. While they\’re not great at complex tasks, you can use them as motivators for the people who do those types of work. Bob in accounting wouldn\’t screw up the numbers with a zombie hanging over his shoulder!
  3. Since they don\’t get diseases or sickness, you won\’t have to waste any more time with FMLA.
  4. The benefits package would be cheap. They don\’t even need vacation pay!
  5. Zombies don\’t get tired, and they never waste time on Twitter (although Zombiebook is growing in popularity from what I hear).
  6. Everyone loves zombies. They\’re so cuddly. There have been dozens of movies dedicated to their antics.
  7. There is a drastically simplified recruiting/hiring process associated with zombies, and it\’s actually just a single question. Are you a zombie? [grunt] Great! You\’re hired.
  8. In case #7 worries you, don\’t freak out too much. Zombies aren\’t a protected EEOC class. I checked.
  9. You can train them to recognize and attack union organizers, IRS agents, or OSHA inspectors.
  10. With all of the recent employee engagement talk, you really don\’t have to worry. Zombies stay 100% engaged until a shotgun blast pulverizes their skull.

But, as always, I’m not covering something. What are we missing? Is there another great reason to hire zombies that I’m not covering? Drop it in the comments below! And if you enjoyed this list, then you might want to check out the Batman list as well!

Update: I posted a sequel list (more reasons to hire zombies). Check it out!

15 thoughts on “10 reasons to hire zombies

  1. Trish McFarlane

    Great way to start my Monday. #7 made me laugh out loud! *Grunt*. I’d add a couple:
    -Zombies don’t need to eat lunch or take smoke breaks
    -You’ll never have to have the ‘You shouldn’t let your thong show at work’ conversation with a zombie
    -If you ever need to fire one, a zombie won’t cry.

  2. Nevinesq

    On the other hand, you DO get to have the “You have a problem with BO that you REALLY need to do something about” conversation.

    Oh – and those lunch breaks? Involve co-workers!

    1. Ben Post author

      @Trish The thong convo is one I never want to have. :-)
      @Nevin The same goes for the BO conversation. ;-)

    1. Ben Post author

      @Tammy Another bonus! The feds saw Gen X and Gen Y and their issues a long time ago, but Gen Z will catch them completely by surprise!

  3. Puf

    Dude, this is a serious issue, the impending zombie war will be here before we know it, and I’m here to tell you if we give Zed and inch he will take a mile. If we’ve learned anything from George Romero, they organize naturally, and zombie unions would be inevitable. ;-)
    BTW, have you seen Zombieland? Highly recommend it.
    Great post, lots of fun!

  4. Krista Francis

    Great reasons to hire zombies, Ben. Can you help me with sourcing? I don’t know if I want to wait til October 31 to make my next few hires.

  5. Alicia Arenas (@AliciaSanera)

    I’m pretty sure that zombies would have been better than some of my old employees and…several executives. Doh! I said it outloud!

    I’ll keep my shotgun by my bed tonight. No really. I have a shotgun. It’s mine. I live in Texas remember?

  6. adowling

    One would think, with all the cemeteries, Zombies would be easy recruits. All you need is a good animator or necromancer on site and your set. Oh, then we could get into contracts with current executive level staff about reanimation after death so they can finish a project or train a successor.

    Did I go too far with the Zombie Succession planning?

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