Tag Archives: Random

Note to self: Don’t insult a hand-to-hand combat instructor

Warning: This post is supposed to be humorous. If you are not experienced with humor, you might not get it. If that is the case, here’s the IRS website. Feel free to read some of that really exciting stuff over there. Why humor? Because we’re HR professionals, darn it. If we don’t get some measure of humor our souls wither and die.

Today I’ll tell the story of when I accidentally insulted someone during new hire orientation.

And not just any someone.

This guy’s dream (as he’d already told me several times) was to own his own firearms and hand-to-hand combat training business, so he was a pretty tough dude.

So, I’d been recruiting this guy for a few weeks, but we hadn’t been able to talk very much since he was overseas at the time. He was taking a remote position with us, and the group he was working with was actually in town on the day he started, so he came to the home office for his new hire orientation. Simple enough, right?

Well, we are sitting in the orientation session and I pause to talk about the different pieces of the company and what all we do. I mentioned a recent proposal we had submitted to do some work for the government, and his temper went from zero to sixty in a heartbeat. He was on his feet, pacing back and forth, and growling about how dumb the decision was. I’ve never actually seen someone “gnashing their teeth,” but I’m willing to bet that was about as close as you can get.

They make you take psychology classes in college when you get an HR degree. You also take things like communications, public speaking, etc. Basically, you should know how to talk to someone. Heh. At the time that was the furthest thing from my mind.

This guy is a trained killer, and I just made him angry. If he smashes the computer and chairs, I’m the next biggest thing in the room for him to take his frustrations out on. Unless he used the computer and chairs to smash me. That seems pretty efficient, and I haven’t seen anything inefficient about the guy since I met him. Crap.I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory. Beaten to death with a faux leather office chair was not in my top five ways to die. 

Agh. Why didn’t I sit closer to the door? I could at least get it halfway open before he snaps my neck like a twig. I wonder if I could distract him. Too bad I don’t have a red cape to wave in his face or something. Or a bazooka. That would probably be intimidating, except for the fact that I have no idea how to use one. Sigh. College was such a poor way to spend my time. 

At this point he’s started to calm down a little after circling the room a few times. I’d like to say it was at that point that I took control of the situation and moved on with the orientation.

But I didn’t.

Wow. His hands look really big. I wonder if he could wrap them all the way around my neck. I wonder where he’d hide the body. It’s a small room. But he’s probably inventive. He could stuff me in the ceiling tiles and be out of the building before anyone realized I was missing. Why didn’t I take the extra optional life insurance package? Darn. Wait a minute, what if I play dead? Will he still attack? Oh, wait, that’s for bears, not people. Stupid Discovery Channel. Why don’t you tell us how to survive people? I have yet to see a bear from three feet away, but I’ve been that close to plenty of crazy people… Wait a minute, he’s looking at me again.

By this point he was sitting in his chair, staring at me as if I was the one who had nearly just blew his top. I stumbled and stuttered through the rest of the slides, made an excuse to leave the room, and breathed deeply of the fresh air that filled my lungs.

I had survived.

I’d like to say there’s a grandiose lesson here, but I can’t think of one. Just make sure you sit near the door if you are ever alone in a room with a former special-forces-trained-killer and there’s a chance you could make them angry at you.

Anyone else have a crazy new hire orientation story?

Gratitude matters, now more than ever

The other day I had to stop by the dreaded DMV to get a new tag for our vehicle. The lady behind the counter couldn’t have looked more bored if she tried, but I tried to put on my happy face. This place was not going to destroy my soul for the short duration of my stay.

A man in front of me in line was trying to pay his taxes, and the lady kept telling him he owed a specific amount. He told her the car had not been used in several months, and she said, “Well, if you can tell me the exact date then I can put that in.”

He seemed lost for a moment. He did not have any way of guessing the accurate date without a calendar, and she was not about to offer any information, so I pulled out my phone.

Tap. Tap. Tap. 

“If it was the first Monday in September, that was the 4th.”

The man turned and looked at me with such relief, and I just turned back to my phone, somewhat embarrassed. I was mentally willing the transaction to finish at light speed. He turned back to the counter, and the lady said, “Well, you still have to tell me the date.”

The guy replied that what I had said sounded correct, though he didn’t have any way of verifying the date without a calendar.

She raised her voice and repeated, “I don’t care, you still have to tell me the date!”

He looked a little annoyed by the attitude, but he repeated the date and she went back to typing on her computer. A few moments later she handed him the form to sign and said, “You only saved $12 by going through all that trouble.”

He smiled and said, “Oh, but $12 is 12, and that’s worth something to me.”

She just shook her head, handed him the receipt, and looked to the next person in line. She’d already forgotten he existed.

I ended up using a different teller who was much more pleasant, and I offered her a loud and hearty “thank you” for her assistance when it was time to go. She was going to need the positive vibes if she was to be stationed next to the Grinch as long as she worked there.

A lesson for us all

This time of year is tough on many people as they are trying to make ends meet while still bringing some measure of joy to family and friends for the holidays. Some people can’t be home to celebrate (we’re praying for your safe return from Afghanistan, George!).

When you’re out and about and someone is serving you, offer them a smile and a measure of gratitude. It might not change their life, but it could make their day.

Alabama legislation: No more gifts for teachers

This saga has rocked Alabama for a few days, and I thought it was an interesting story to share with the outside world. The short version is that teachers can no longer receive gift cards or anything of value from parents as a “thank you” for doing a great job. My response is to this is, “What’s next, outlawing tips for servers?” Teachers have a tough job, and many parents realize that. They appreciate the effort and long hours put in by the people who are educating their children, and they want to take the time around the holidays to do something special to help the teacher understand that they care.

Then the government steps in and wrecks everything (which is pretty standard).

Check out the excerpt below from an email one school system sent to its parents and employees:

—

In the Opinion issued yesterday, the Ethics Commission set out two specific rules that apply with respect to any gift to teachers:

  1. The gift may not be given for any corrupt purpose, and
  2. The gift has to be “de minimis” in value.

The first rule is easy enough to understand and unlikely to be an issue with gifts you would give to teachers. The meaning of “de minimis”, however, is a cause of some concern because while the term is used in the law, no definition of it is included. The Ethics Commission opinion issued yesterday offered as guidance the definition of the term as employed by the Internal Revenue Service: “A benefit so small as to make accounting for it unreasonable or unpractical.” The Commission also stated an item of “de minimis” value neither has significant intrinsic value nor the possibility of being sold for profit.

The Commission opinion stated clearly that teachers and public employees cannot receive gifts like:

  • hams, turkeys, etc;
  • gift cards with monetary value.

This list of prohibited gifts is obviously not all inclusive. The bottom line, as we understand the Commission opinion, is that any gifts given must be of de minimis, or insignificant intrinsic value to the teacher (unless specifically for the classroom, as mentioned below).

The Commission has given its opinion that teachers may receive gifts like the following (assuming they are not given for a corrupt purpose):

  • Fruit baskets, homemade cookies, etc.;
  • Christmas ornaments of little intrinsic value;
  • Coffee mugs filled with candy of a holiday nature;
  • Any item a teacher may use to assist him/her in performing his or her functions as a teacher, such as notebooks, school supplies, etc.
  • CD’s or books of a nominal value, scarves, etc.

Obviously, this is not an all inclusive list but it should provide some guidelines to you of the types of gifts that are acceptable for school teachers to receive.

The Commission did note that the school or teacher may receive gift cards specifically for use on items needed in the classroom at any time during the year. But it specifically prohibited receipt of gift cards by a teacher for the teacher’s personal use. We see a significant risk of confusion here. For that reason we request that if you wish to present a gift card for classroom supplies to a teacher, please present it to the school principal’s office accompanied by instructions that it is given for the use of a particular teacher or classroom.

—

Does anyone else think this is more than a little crazy?

Donuts and Wellness

Last Saturday I ran a local race that involved running four miles and eating a box of donuts at the halfway point. Yep, it’s about a fun as it sounds. I picked up a few ideas that touch on wellness and thought they would be worth sharing.

The banana was right

One of the runners in the crowd was wearing a banana costume. On the back was written, “Today I see how the other 1/3 of Alabamians live.” That was a fairly obvious reference to Alabama’s 30+% obesity rate, and it really hit me hard to put it in those terms. Yes, I’ve heard the statistics, and yes, I think it’s crazy that 1/3 of people who live here are overweight.

For some reason, though, the idea that some people make these poor eating choices every day didn’t occur to me until the banana guy came around. More than anything else, it really just gave me a little more perspective on the demographic that wellness programs at work should be focusing on. Thanks, banana man.

Runners who eat vs. eaters who run

One of the issues I’ve seen with wellness initiatives (such as paying for gym fees or providing nutritious snacks) is that it affects those who are predisposed to healthy activity and eating. If you offer to pay for me to go to a gym, I’ll take you up on it because I’m already relatively athletic. However, offering to pay the gym membership for one of our software engineers would get you laughed out of the building. And if you brought them some fruit or veggie snacks, they’d ask for fries and a Coke.

It was interesting because one of the guys on my team for the Donut Run was a self-proclaimed “eater who runs.” He might be stimulated to get up and participate in an activity when there is a handful of donuts waiting for him, but he’s not going to get out there and work out on his own without some sort of incentive. For the record, I’m a “runner who eats.” :-)

The Pounders

A few months back we started a running team at work. The Pinnacle Pounders go out every Tuesday afternoon and run together. There is a great sense of camaraderie, and it’s just a great way to de-stress after a long day. Again, the only people who show up are those who are already runners! We are working to get some of our staff out there to walk our little course, but so far we’ve been unsuccessful. I’m hoping the people who see us enjoying ourselves and having more energy during the day will consider joining us, but only time will tell.

So, any other thoughts on wellness (or donuts)? Have you had an experience with a wellness program? What was it like?

Feeling small

In the past few years, I have been a wrestling referee for high school and junior varsity matches. This past week I made the decision to go back and officiate this season, so I went to the introductory meeting. While I was sitting there, I felt like I was from two different worlds, and I learned some valuable lessons from the experience. These are random, stream of consciousness type ideas, but they are useful!

  • Give good directions. I wasn’t given directions and had a few minutes of panicked phone calls before I found the location. Imagine a job candidate feeling that way.
  • Make people feel comfortable. I stood there next to a handful of guys I am barely acquainted with, but half the crowd was made up of strangers. I’d have liked to have the chance to introduce myself and meet the others officially.
  • Have a very basic description of what to expect in the job. If I hadn’t already done the job for a few years, I’d have felt very unsure about what to expect for the coming weeks and months.
  • Going from the HR/manager view at my day job down to the hands-on, line staff level as a referee is an interesting leap. We have random, pointless rules to abide by, and there’s absolutely no visibility of senior leadership as a guiding force. Sound like your company, perhaps?
  • If you’re going to referee, then you have to go through the screwy annual performance review process like I describe in this video. That in itself is just nuts.
  • We went over new rules. One of them? You have to buy a special jacket if you plan to wear one. Um, guys, the season runs December to January. We are going to wear jackets. And we shouldn’t have to pay out of pocket to get a specific jacket you are forcing us to wear.
  • (Minor rant:) One year I got some black shoes, because you are supposed to wear them as part of your uniform. The problem was the only size and brand I could find in black was a size too small. Needless to say it didn’t work. After seven hours of running and jumping in tiny shoes, I put on my old ones which were not the regulation color. I received several comments about them, but nobody seemed to care when I explained why I couldn’t wear the black shoes. Sigh. Be aware that when people break the rules at work, they might sometimes have a really, really good reason for it. Don’t assume the worst!

Anyway, it took a lot of words but in the end I just felt small. I felt like I didn’t matter.

After being in a leadership position within my organization on a daily basis, I sometimes forget what it is like to not have the insider info, to depend on others to communicate changes and direction, and to be treated like just one more widget on an assembly line. Take a minute today to refocus your view on your people, and try to look at things from their perspective as often as possible. Remind them that you have their best interests at heart.

And please, please, PLEASE make them feel like a valuable asset to the organization (building an effective recognition program will help). They will appreciate it.

Work naked for all I care

Yesterday morning started off on the wrong foot. I had some big, heavy duty projects to work on. When that’s the case, I usually dress more comfortably (not quite as comfortably as the guy on the left, but it’s definitely more fun than wearing a tie). I say it helps me focus better; it might be the placebo effect, but hey, the results speak for themselves.

Anyway, I walk in and within five minutes a few people have given me that horrified look. You know the one. I can just hear them thinking…

He’s wearing jeans!?! Who died and made him El Presidente? He must do shoddy work, sleep in a tent, and eat roadkill when he’s not here looking like a slob. That redneck hillbilly goofball gives us all a bad name. I’d call HR, but, well, he’s it!

I had to speak up, and I fell back on one of my favorite principles when it comes to work: ROWE. The Results Only Work Environment basically says that you can work whenever, wherever, and wearing whatever, as long as the work gets done.

Funny side note-when I was looking for a good picture to go with this (yeah, not my smartest Google search ever) I found a hilarious list of reasons to go to work naked. My top 3 favorites:

  • Inventive way to meet that special person in HR
  • Your boss is always yelling, “I want to see your butt in here at 8:00 am!”
  • “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

On days when it’s necessary, I will happily throw on a tie and be all presentable. When I’m dressed in that manner I feel a different kind of focus, and I feel like it’s appropriate for some interactions (though not for the same reason as the famed red sweater Robin Schooling talks about here). However, even if I choose to wear jeans and a t-shirt doesn’t mean that my work product all the sudden turns to crap.

Am I the only one? Does anyone else feel more relaxed and better focused when dressing down? 

Monsters at work

Halloween costumes I made for Bella and Bree

Human resources professionals run into monsters at work more often than others. We see the dark side of people, and it’s easy to make comparisons to these famous monsters based on those observations…

  • The famed “B.O.” problem that everyone seems to visit HR about. A manager has an employee who smells like he hasn’t showered in weeks and wouldn’t know deodorant if it slapped him in the face. His hair is greasy, and the lack of personal hygiene is really just starting to creep people out. Sounds like a werewolf to me!
  • These people flutter around and suck the life out of your organization on a daily basis. They use gossip and other subversive activities behind the scenes to undermine the culture and leadership, often without anyone seeing the danger until it’s too late. Maybe vampires?
  • This person showed up out of nowhere. Nobody knows why he’s there or what he does, but he continues to collect a paycheck every week because nobody can get the nerve to talk to the guy because, honestly, he’s kind of creepy. Creature from the Black Lagoon, anyone?
  • These actively disengaged employees are hazardous to your organization’s health. Not only are they not working to better the company, they are actively working against it! They may not be the smartest people around, but brute force can get a lot accomplished if everyone is working toward the same goal. Of course, zombies don’t always have to be a bad thing. (Click here for 10 reasons to hire zombies)

And while he’s not exactly a monster, people still dress up as Batman for Halloween! I did a fun post a while back on what it would be like if Batman ran your HR department. Funny stuff!