Tag Archives: Performance

10 reasons to hire zombies

It’s October. That means Halloween is just around the corner. And I’ve got a Halloween business strategy that employers will be dying to get their hands on. Okay, I’ll let you in on my secret. Zombies. What if your HR reps could reanimate dead flesh and bring those zombies into the workplace? The potential benefits more than outweigh the occasional brain-eating frenzy. Here are 10 reasons to hire zombies in your workplace…

  1. Use them to cull the bad employees from the herd. That should discourage the ‘ole quit-and-stay mentality.
  2. While they\’re not great at complex tasks, you can use them as motivators for the people who do those types of work. Bob in accounting wouldn\’t screw up the numbers with a zombie hanging over his shoulder!
  3. Since they don\’t get diseases or sickness, you won\’t have to waste any more time with FMLA.
  4. The benefits package would be cheap. They don\’t even need vacation pay!
  5. Zombies don\’t get tired, and they never waste time on Twitter (although Zombiebook is growing in popularity from what I hear).
  6. Everyone loves zombies. They\’re so cuddly. There have been dozens of movies dedicated to their antics.
  7. There is a drastically simplified recruiting/hiring process associated with zombies, and it\’s actually just a single question. Are you a zombie? [grunt] Great! You\’re hired.
  8. In case #7 worries you, don\’t freak out too much. Zombies aren\’t a protected EEOC class. I checked.
  9. You can train them to recognize and attack union organizers, IRS agents, or OSHA inspectors.
  10. With all of the recent employee engagement talk, you really don\’t have to worry. Zombies stay 100% engaged until a shotgun blast pulverizes their skull.

But, as always, I’m not covering something. What are we missing? Is there another great reason to hire zombies that I’m not covering? Drop it in the comments below! And if you enjoyed this list, then you might want to check out the Batman list as well!

Update: I posted a sequel list (more reasons to hire zombies). Check it out!

Running Logs and Your Performance

training log I keep a running log. I\’m not great about it, but I can still give you a fairly approximate average of my monthly mileage, and I can even remember some of the more memorable workouts (like the one on New Year\’s Eve in 2006 when I ran 7 miles in twenty degree weather while my family prepared for a party). Anyway, that running log helps me in multiple ways, and I think you should have one, too. Even if you\’re not a runner, it helps to chart your progress and make note of milestones. What if you used a log at work to keep up with your accomplishments?

Victories

Did you finish a big project at work recently? Write it down and try to capture some of the specifics (dollars saved, process time cut, etc.). You might also want to put that on your resume. Next time you need it for a job search, it will be updated and full of your latest accomplishments. On a more short-term basis, it’s a great way to put together your performance review comments to make sure your work is being recognized.

Trends

Seeing an ongoing issue in your weekly work life? Make a note of that recurring event. You might not have an answer now, but looking back in a few days/weeks/months might help you see the problem from a different angle and provide some valuable insight.

Beware

Some runners can predict injuries/illness before it ever happens. A heavy workout regimen can take its toll in the long run, and work is the same way. If you\’re consistently handling tough tasks and seeing signs of too much stress, then you might want to cut back a bit. Sometimes the best way to make progress is to pull back, reset, and leap back in with renewed energy.

Keeping track of your progress for the long-term should reveal a steady upward trend. There will be ups, downs, and lateral moves, but the overall goal should be to increase your performance level. And five years down the road when you look back and see how far you have come in terms of knowledge, skills, and abilities, you will be pleasantly surprised by the results.

A 1000:1 Ratio is a Problem

I bet you have a process at your company to reprimand employees. You probably cover everything from verbal and written reprimands all the way to suspensions. I\’m quite certain that every organization has a way to notify employees when they are performing poorly.

With that said, does your organization have a way to commend employees for a job well done? Aside from a short and sweet “attaboy” or “attagirl,” do you have a way to show your appreciation in a written format?

I\’ve seen hundreds (thousands?) of reprimands. I\’ve seen a single commendation. That leads me to two possibilities. One, there really aren\’t any other staff members who deserve being commended for performing well (not likely). Or two, there aren\’t any supervisors willing to commend someone for doing well (quite likely).

Or maybe it\’s more benign, and the supervisors really don\’t know the power of a short note letting someone know that he/she knocked it out of the park.

Whatever the cause, it\’s a problem that needs to be addressed. I\’m willing to bet that many of you work in companies that are similar. Check out your ratio. I don\’t think you should be praising your employees daily for every little action, but when someone really takes up the slack and goes above and beyond, then it really wouldn\’t hurt to show some appreciation.

Photo by Sidelong